candid thoughts on bloggers' "perfect" lives

A while ago Abi, from Vanilla and Lace, posted this on instagram:

If anyone has ever looked at my Instagram and thought I must live a perfectly beautiful life I just wanted to set you straight. For example: what this photo from saturday doesn't show is that I've cried 3 times today, I'm still in gym clothes and no make-up at almost 5pm, I've argued with my husband, I've spent the whole day cleaning my house and my kitchen is still a disaster and I'm so behind on my store work I dread even looking at my to-do list. I don't write this to complain, I'm actually extremely blessed, but just want to be open and give you a realistic view of what a day can look like for me. I struggle with comparison a ton and we all need a little reminder from time to time.

...and I was reminded how weird the internet is, from the outside looking in.  Like... it's weird to me that we have to clarify that our lives aren't perfect.  I suppose it can become hard to see that, when we're bombarded with beautiful photos of fun parties, macarons, fancy cocktails, pretty dresses, and craft projects that always turn out wonderfully.  But in reality you don't know a single person with a perfect life, so why does the internet make you think that such a person exists?  Even celebrities are going to rehab and waking up on the wrong side of the bed and getting speeding tickets.  We all know that.

In a piece titled "Please continue instagramming your awesome life" the author rebuts an article written a while ago called "Please stop instagramming your perfect life."  I really appreciated the perspective he brings to the issue.

Say your friend Joe Penacoli has just posted another Instagram photo of a before-work ski run, after-work mountain bike ride, or sunset hike. Is your reaction: 

a) “Joe is always doing something cool. I hate that guy!”
b) double-tapping the photo, causing a heart to pop up on your screen 

If you said a), let me ask you this: If you were having coffee with Joe and he was telling you about his recent vacation, would you listen, nod and become jealous of him and think about how you disliked Joe because he made you feel bad that you hadn’t taken a vacation recently? Or would you listen and say, “Joe, that sounds really great,” and be happy for your friend Joe?

 
 
 
When we "hate" someone for having a perfect looking life, it's not that person's fault for sharing inspiring images, or pictures of fun times their happening.  Hi, I'm not going to instagram my migranes or my cry-hangover puffy red face, because ew.  That doesn't mean those things don't happen. Of course those things happen because I'm a real person and you're a real person and so is everyone else. I personally do like talking about real life here on the blog, the ups and downs and ins and outs.  But being positive and sharing the awesome parts of life isn't a reason to hate a person.  And disliking a person sharing happy times speaks more to the jealousy in ones' own heart than to the sharer's life's perfection.  Jealousy is an ugly thing and a short-cut to hate, every time.  Instead of choosing to hate someone's "perfect" life, why not turn that envy on it's head and choose to live your life the way you want to live it?  Instead of hating someone who is living your dream, why not go out and chase that dream?  But recognize that chasing your dreams and seeking the life you've always wanted won't mean you don't have shitty days.


I was talking to my best friend the other day, sort of about this.  But more about real life, not just perceived online perfection.  About how loneliness can be overwhelming at time.  About feeling inadequate and unappreciated.  Just real stuff that real human beings deal with daily.  She mentioned something about how lots of people appreciate me, because I have a blog with lots of readers.  It's not real though.  This blog isn't real, not in the same way that my relationship with her, or Dan, or my family is.  I try to make this space as honest of a reflection of myself and my values and interests and character as I can, but it's still only a dim version of real me living in a physical space interacting with other people face to face.  And I can have online relationships that are meaningful, but for the most part my online conversations are no more than surface level, and while deeply appreciated, no amount of, "I love that dress!  You look so cute in this outfit" comments can replace a remark from someone who knows you deeply and can give you a compliment that feeds your soul, at precisely the time you needed to hear it.  Someone who knows your struggles and has felt you cry.


I don't mean to be dismissive of online comments and social media interactions.  I think they can be incredibly meaningful and deep, sometimes just as much as IRL ones.  I have an email folder full of deeply moving emails from readers, and I absolutely love reading about your experiences that you've shared in the comments.  And even "cute dress!" comments are lovely, because we're sharing an experience, even if it's just liking the same dress.  It's human connection, even if it's ever so slight, and across the comments section of a blog.

Bloggers aren't perfect.  Nobody is.  Some people look more "perfect" than others, sometimes on purpose, sometimes not.  Some work hard to put together an appearance of having it all together.  Some choose only to share positivity, which can have the effect of making a person look like they have a perfect life.  But before you harbor jealousy, envy, and even hate in your own heart towards a person you perceive to have a perfect life, remember that they are a human being just like you.  And of course they don't have a perfect life, because obviously.  We're all human beings struggling to do the best we can do, let's love each other and support one another through that struggle.  Because no matter how awesome your life is (and if it truly is awesome, BOOYAH.  Good for you.  Enjoy those wonderful moments), you will struggle, and so will I.  And we need each other to lean on in those struggles.  I think blogging can be a great place to find kindred spirits and encouraging souls.  Every time I post about something difficult I've been through, so many people having gone through something similar comment sharing their experience.  We feel less alone in our struggles and it makes them a bit easier knowing that others have been through the same thing and have made it to the other side, alive.

top photo by Willow's Photography

life lately + some updates

Missing: Anchorage summers.  There's something about the feel of an Anchorage summer that I can't find anywhere else.  Of course the reality is probably not quite as lovely.  My mom says they're having a record-breaking mosquito summer, which means being outside is awful so they can't even enjoy the nice weather.  Still, I miss summers up there.  
Watching: I've been watching the new So You Think You Can Dance season and can we just talk for a sec about how amazing that show is?  I swear I cry or tear up every episode.  Dance is such a beautiful artform to begin with and the inspiring stories of people overcoming injuries and rough life situations, or escaping a life involved with gangs or drug culture are so moving.  Besides the fact that the dancers are just incredible dancers.  I love dance, though I've never done it "officially."  I took ballet when I was a super tiny human, but I'm sure something weird happened and then my stubborn self refused to return (this also happened with figure skating, and piano lessons).  I took ballet again in college a couple decades later and joined the hip hop dance club on campus and did some performances.  I also danced in the Hawaii Club's annual luau, which is apparently the largest luau in the Northwest!  It was a ton of practice, and we spent hours making our own grass skirts, but it was a blast.  I'd love to get involved with a dance organization here in Tacoma.  I'm no 'trained dancer' but I do love it!
Thinking about: Adventures.  Every once in a while Dan will mention something like taking a brewery tour around the US, and I'm back to scheming how to get back in the Winne and on the road.  Last week we were at an event for the American Alpine Club and now we want to travel around the country rock climbing and visiting breweries.  It's not totally crazy.  Our house is very rent-friendly, so I'm sure we'd be able to find renters for 6 months or a year and head out on the road for adventure times.  

Excited for:

Dan's new job to open!  He's been training for about a month and the restaurant is set to open in the next (hopefully) week or so.  Not only is the place gonna be awesome, but I'm really looking forward to having a more set schedule.  Both Dan & I work better when we have a reliable schedule, and the past month or two have been kind of weird with him training and working jobs that are more on-call than scheduled.  Plus, it'll just be great to have another amazing bar/restaurant in Tacoma to patronize!

Proud of:

Dan!  Not only is he learning so many cool cooking techniques, but he got into college!   Haha, it feels weird saying that because he's been to college for quite a few years now.  He's been going to community college for a few years banging out some standard classes while trying to figure out what he wants to do.  We met at the college I graduated from, but he left after freshman year.  So this is the first "real" college (read: real expensive, haha) that he's applied to since then!  Not only did he get in, but he got an academic scholarship!  It's an expensive school (aren't they all?  ugh) so it probably won't make a huge dent, but anything helps and I'm so proud of him for getting it.  The school has the Marriage and Family Counseling masters program he wants to go into, so it'll be a nice launch pad to get into that program once he finishes his bachelor's.  He's going in to see an advisor on Tuesday to figure out what classes to take in the fall.  Exciting!

 
 
   
a new tacoma rag! // bikes at the velofemmes event // giant bun is back bounty from the earth // swap party! // bebe corgz, ugh an outfit for graduation + eating at boundary bay brewery  running times // got a new (white!) iPhone. so fresh and so clean, clean
A couple blog related updates: 
Google Reader is going away!  If you haven't switched to a new blog reader yet, make sure to do it soon so you don't lose all your favorite blogs and have to reconstruct your blog reader from memory.  Kam has shared 6 RSS blog reader alternatives, and I'm a huge fan of Bloglovin'.  Back in the day I would just click all the blogs in my "favorite blogs" list in my sidebar in order to check in on them, but Bloglovin' makes it so much easier.  I don't like blog readers that extract the post from the blog because a lot of my pleasure in reading blogs is going to people's actual sites with their layout and design.  It's like going to someone's house and seeing how they've decorated.  It's familiar and nice.  I like that Bloglovin' takes you to the actual blog, rather than grabbing the post itself.  Does that make sense?  If not, check out Bloglovin', I'm sure they explain it better.  Plus, you can import your Google Reader list straight to Bloglovin!  
Summer Solstice happened!  Which means it's officially summer, right?  Right.  Well, in celebration, I'm discounting ads and all my e-courses!  All e-courses are 25% off and Small and Medium ads are 50% off.  You can purchase e-courses here, and if you're interested in an ad you can learn more about those here!  To get the ad discount, just use the code "SUMMER" at checkout.
Now for some favorite things around the web: 
 Kickstarter funded a book focused on teaching men how to take advantage of women.  And they apologized.  Enjoyed this read on marriage equality as it relates to the "biblical definition of marriage."  Moorea shared this with me and then I died.  BEBE CORGZ  If you want to donate to my Warrior Dash fundraiser for St. Jude, you can do so here!  The damaging effects of shame based sex-education.  Good stuff.  Apparently I read a lot about sex this week.  Here's another good read about sex/purity/faith.  In which Captain Picard solidifies his place as favorite Star Trek captain.  More Star Trek related stuff.  This time lolz.  Sci Fi nerd train continues:  The best Doctor Who themed wedding!!!  If I had a $500 Free People gift card (and was allowed to cheat on my shopping criteria) I would snatch this dress up immediately.  Warrior Princess chic.

VELOFEMMES // tacoma's women's bike group

Yesterday I joined a group of lady bikers (not the harley kind) named VeloFemmes on a super fun group ride and event!  VeloFemmes is a new women's bike group focused on getting more ladies on bikes and creating a great community of female bikers in the Tacoma area.  Unfortunately Tacoma decided to be ultra-Tacoma and it rained on us pretty much the entire time, but hey, it just shows how dedicated these ladies are!  The event started off at Tollefson Plaza with great booths, and music from Barleywine Revue (check them out, they're awesome!)  2nd Cycle, a super awesome bike shop focusing on helping people learn how to fix their own bikes and cultivating a shop full of used parts which help bicyclists fix their bikes on a budget, was one of the booths.  2nd Cycle runs events specifically targeted at non-male bicyclists to teach basics about bike upkeep and care.  It's a pretty sweet organization.  There was also a fun booth where you could get a helmet-friendly hair style.  I showed up with my helmet-friendly hairstyle (fishtail sidebraid FTW!), so I didn't use their talents, but they had lots of pictures of fun ideas for cute hairstyles that are also helmet friendly, which was inspiring.  I think it'd be fun, now that my hair is long enough, to do a helmet-friendly hairstyle tutorial series here on the blog, eh?  Especially since it's bike season, woo!


 

After the initial event in Tollefson Plaza we all gathered our bikes and took the scenic route to the Harmon Tap Room for some beer, food, and raffle prizes!  I was in serious need of beer and food.  I proceeded to order pizza.  And the Lord sayeth, It was GOOD.  Seriously.  After riding miles in the rain, a gulp of cold brew and a bite of hot pizza brought me back to life.  The ride wasn't difficult, mind you, but it was rather chilly compared to the weather we've been having recently, so warm food in the belly was much appreciated.  Oh!  And I won something in the raffle!  Well, everyone did, because there were enough prizes for everyone, but I got a Seal Line bag!  So perfect for riding in Tacoma, especially in winter since they're waterproof.  I like carrying my small bag, or my computer/camera bag when going to the coffee shop regularly, but in the winter it's nice to know your stuff isn't going to get soaked.  Dan has a nice, waterproof Timbuk2 bag, and now I have one too!
It was really awesome to have a group of biking ladies from all walks of life there.  There were a couple bike-in-dresses types (hey-yo), regular commuters, younger people, older people, and some people who simply looked like they walked out of an REI ad.  But it's cool to know that we're all women who bike, supporting one another.  It doesn't matter if you wear clip in shoes or heels, spandex or tights.  I've long wanted to organize some bike events with ladies in the Tacoma area, but have never felt like I had the infrastructure or a way to reach those biker chicks, and now with VeloFemmes I do!  Hopefully we get to do a few more events before the summer ends and we're back to daily rain-biking.  

 


 

top/courtesy of modcloth :: jacket (similar)/forever 21 :: pants/courtesy of for elyse shoes(similar)/courtesy of blowfish :: bag/courtesy of hearts helmet/courtesy of nutcase :: photos of me by my friend Teri

black + white + red all over

My obsession with maxi dresses continues.  This one reminded me of an Oscar De La Renta gown I remembered seeing from their Spring 2013 collection, as well as a lot of pieces from the Dolce & Gabbana Spring 2013 collection.  I guess big, bold stripes are "in" this season, eh?  This dress feels fancy, but it's made out of jersey-knit, so it's still easy to wear and can be casual as well.  Like most maxi dresses, I need heels to keep it from dragging on the ground, but nothing crazy tall or anything.  By now I have some favorite go-to heels to pair with maxi dresses.  I never wear the heels I'm wearing in this post, mostly because they're not wearable in an all-day situation.  They're going-out-for-dinner-and-sitting-mostly type shoes, but I just love how fabulous they are that I bring them out for those rare occasions.  Dan and I ended up deciding to walk to one of our regular joints after these photos, so I switched out for my red Blowfish t-strap cork platforms, which I can walk miles in.

 

dress/courtesy of modcloth :: shoes (similar)/courtesy of lulu's :: photos by Dan
Know what  I love about clothes?  They can make you feel fabulous.  I mean, I feel pretty fabulous without a stitch of clothes on, but sometimes putting on an outfit that makes you feel like a bombshell can be so powerful.  In a way clothes can literally be armor.  I know that I personally will wear sunglasses on occasion to physically keep people at a distance.  Sometimes you just don't have it in you to deal with other humans and dressing in a certain way, like wearing sunglasses to keep people from making eye contact with you, can do that.  But it's not just in that self-protective way, that's just one example.  Dressing yourself in a way that makes you feel more powerful can actually make you act more powerful.  There's a reason they call it a "power suit."  Just like forcing yourself to smile can make you feel happy, dressing in a way that makes you feel confident can actually increase your confidence.  And that's pretty awesome.  Mark Twain once said, "Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society."  And I think that beyond the obvious fact that naked people probably don't influence society because they're not out and about, influencing while naked, clothing yourself in a certain way can be powerful.  Maybe the clothes themselves can influence others, but I believe it's more that the clothes make the wearer feel more confident, and it's the confident clothes-wearer who does the influencing.

my fitness routine pt. 3 // insanity + running

I have a very hard time with motivating myself, especially if I have to come up with a workout on my own everyday and I don't have an end goal in mind.  Insanity is great for me because it has a variety of workouts to do throughout the week, it's structured, and there's an end goal.  I started doing Insanity back in November of 2012, and made it through the first month, but then I got sick and we moved and then we went to Alaska and my computer died, so I restarted in January.  But then I couldn't keep up with it while we were re-siding our house for two weeks (though I tried!), so I restarted again at the end of February and finished the entire program last month!  At the beginning of June I restarted Insanity from the beginning in order to keep in shape for Warrior Dash next month.  Since working out is all about moving your body, I thought making a video would be a fun way to talk about it, showing movement rather than my regular old still images!


After doing Insanity all the way through, I definitely feel more fit and toned.  My body doesn't really make huge changes in size/shape, but I can see differences from some of my outfit photos last summer to now.  Like I said in my first fitness routine post, working out for me isn't a weight loss thing, it's really just about being strong and healthy.  I love feeling strong and now I actually have a reason to be strong, which is rock climbing!  I can definitely tell that the strength I'm gaining from doing Insanity helps me do better at rock climbing.  While rock climbing uses some odd muscles (like crazy forearm muscles for gripping the holds), it also uses lots of legs, arms and core muscles, all of which I workout when doing Insanity.  Plus, I'm way better at cardio than I was when I started, which is helping a ton since I've started running.  One thing I like about Insanity is that you do Fit Tests every 2 weeks, so you can actually see yourself getting better, even if you feel like you're still dying during every workout.  When you get better at the fit test, it's proof that your body is actually getting stronger!


As you heard me say in the video, I'm doing Warrior Dash next month, which is going to be awesome. It's also a fundraiser for St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, which is even more awesome.  If you'd like to support St. Jude, you can donate through my fundraiser page here.  They are one of the world's premier centers for the research and treatment of pediatric cancer and other catastrophic childhood diseases.  If you read my father's day post, you know that my own brother's survival has depended on cutting edge medical research and numerous experimental surgeries, and the work St. Jude does helps families like mine keep their precious children alive and kicking.