Control | Release

Childbirth (and parenting in general) is such a balance of control and release.  I'm a naturally controlling person.  I like to know as much as I can going into a scenario.  I remember traveling to Paris for the first time and doing as much research as I could just about the airport and how to travel around the airport and to and from the airport/Paris.  I looked up maps, read blog posts about navigating the airport, searched out how to get on the train that took you from the airport to Paris, exactly how and where to buy the tickets to get on the train.  I feel like I'm pretty good at winging it and figuring things out on the fly, but if I have anxiety about something, I like to suss it out and get as much understanding about it as I can.  

I grew up with an extremely medicalized perspective on birth.  My brother was an extremely sick baby, given only weeks to months (max) to live.  And with a dad in medicine, specifically concerning sick and premature babies, I got a very singular view of what could happen during/after pregnancy.  And that view was very negative (or at least very focused on the complications that can arise).  At the same time it was positive in a way, knowing how amazing medicine is and how incredible modern medicine is.  My brother who was supposed to have died after only a few short weeks of life is currently thriving in his late 20s, thanks to the incredible procedures, many of them brand new or experimental, that have kept him alive.  At 25 weeks along, my baby is definitely now in the realm of being saved even if it decides it wants to come out prematurely.  It's pretty incredible.  

But all of that history and knowledge conflicts with my own desire to trust my body and have the most natural birth possible. So much of my view of birth has been so baby-centric, the mother is merely an obstacle to get the baby out of.  But now, as a pregnant woman, I desire so much to be an active participant, and actually, the central focus of the process.  The message that it's no longer about me, or that I no longer matter now that there's a baby involved feels so alienating and discarding.  Like, I was important until I became a mother and now I'm just a second fiddle to the child I created.  While I know there's a mental shift that occurs when you have kids, and you do lose some of that self-centeredness that you have as a solo human, I also know that to be the best mom that I can be, I also need to be a full person.  And I need to be a full person in birth too.

I hear a lot of doctors (and non-doctors too, actually), make fun of women for wanting to have a certain birth experience.  They make fun of them for thinking that the birth process is about them or important in any way that is separate from getting a healthy baby out of them.  For believing that the birthing experience is a profound, spiritual, transformative event that is sacred in addition to biological.  And really, arguing with them feels futile, because you feel like you're made into this selfish, ignorant hippie who doesn't care about the outcome of the baby.  Which is never true.  No mother going into birth cares more about her experience than having a safe and healthy baby at the end of it all.  But ignoring the link between supporting women through birth and their ability to actually give birth more ably and successfully seems like such a common occurrence in the medical community.  

I will be (well, planning) giving birth in a hospital.  There is a huge part of me that would love to have a home birth or give birth at a birthing center.  But I can't shake the knowledge that, if something ends up going sideways, I need to be down the hall from people who can revive my baby, not a car ride away.  I've kind of been ignoring the birth part of this whole pregnancy thing, mostly because it feels so distant.  I haven't even really felt really pregnant due to not showing much throughout the first and most of the second trimesters, not having any morning sickness, and generally feeling pretty normal.  But, holy cow, I only have 3 more months until this child decides it's too cramped inside of me and I need to start focusing on doing what I can to ensure I have the support I need to pursue my desire of a natural birth.  (side note: it feels so backwards that after thousands of years of having no other option but to birth naturally, we now feel like we have to fight to birth naturally).  At the same time, I know that, like all natural things, birth is wild and uncontrollable.  It's unpredictable and spontaneous, and having a plan isn't going to ensure much at all except that I might be sorely disappointed.  

I thought maybe after getting all these thoughts out I might come to a point or conclusion, but maybe I just needed to get them out of my brain and into writing.  Parenting and childbirth are such hotly disputed subjects.  It seems like everyone has a strong opinion about the right way to do it, and will fight you tooth and nail to get you to agree with them.  Part of waiting to announce my pregnancy until I was 23 weeks along was due to wanting to put off the advice-giving for as long as possible.  As soon as you are with-child people feel like they have carte blanche to start pumping you full of advice and opinions.  It's been lovely to stay out of that.  Even the stuff like, "Oh enjoy that sleep now, as soon as baby comes you'll never sleep again!" feels so unnecessary.  And it seems to be never ending.  "You'll be wishing for those newborn days when you're in the throes of the terrible twos!"  "Terrible twos!  Just wait until you have a teenager!"  

I'm afraid the internet has played a large role in pitting parents against one another regarding parenting and childbirth decisions.  As much as I love the internet and getting to be a part of a larger community online that I don't have access to IRL, it can also be a breeding ground for online bullying, putting other people down from behind a computer screen, and seems to make people unusually certain about their opinions (or at least causing them to confuse the distinction between fact and opinion). 

The Shop is Open!

The shop is open!  We've got our classic e-courses in there: our blogging e-course focused on kickstarting your blog, and our photography e-course, designed to help you get comfortable using your DSLR and become your own "pro" photographer for your blog + life.   I'm looking forward to adding more stuff to the shop in the next few months, and I have some stuff in the works currently, but I also wanted to ask you guys if you had anything you would love to see offered in the shop in terms of digital downloadable resources/printables, e-courses, and more!

For the next week, everything in the shop will be 10% off to celebrate the new shop launch!  Just use the code "HUZZAH" to get the discount! 

Maternity Style // Weeks 13 + 14

Anchorage!  It was surprisingly warm in Anchorage, I was super happy I threw this dress in my bag when I was packing.  Of course I spaced bringing any warm weather shoes, but thankfully my mom's shoes fit me well enough so I snagged some of her sandals so I didn't have stank-boot (as Tom and Lorenzo call it).  

Dressing for pregnancy has been strange in these first months.  I feel like I'm carrying pretty small (though I have nothing to compare it against personally, just photos of how other people carry at certain weeks), and I didn't really even feel like I looked very pregnant until at least week 19/20.  Mostly I'm just wider in my abdomen in general, so I haven't gone out yet "rocking the bump" since there hasn't been a very defined bump.  If I stand a certain way and push it out, it'll show, but otherwise I just look like I just ate a giant Thanksgiving dinner.  Having dresses like this in my wardrobe is nice because it is pregnancy friendly but doesn't mean I have to go out showing off my little Thanksgiving food baby.  

Since we're moving, I've been going through my closet and purging a ton of stuff that I didn't wear in the first place, but I've also put lots of stuff into storage that I love but won't fit in for a while.  All my fitted waist dresses are tucked away and only stretchy and looser fitting things have stayed.  In a way it's nice to have a fresh style start anyway.  I've felt like most of my old clothes from my style blogging days don't really fit my current personal style, so I feel more free to invest in my personal style as it is now.  Of course, I'm not really buying many clothes right now anyway since I'm an ever inflating balloon at this point, but still I like having the clean slate.

Dress : c/o Mata Traders | Sandals : borrowed from my mom | photos by my mom

Taking outfit photos at my parents' house is so nostalgic.  So many of my early outfit posts from Delightfully Tacky's early days were taken in the woods next to their house and I'm pretty sure I used this spot a time or two.  It's weird because now there is a huge house right where I used to take a ton of outfit photos!  A lot of Anchorage stays the same year in, year out, but it's changing ever so slowly.  Being back in Anchorage after living in Washington for 5 years is definitely interesting.  You see it with the eyes of an outsider, but the heart of a local.  Granted, I've changed a lot too, since I rolled out of town in my '73 Brave back in 2010.  

Moving back to my hometown is a little strange, especially since most of my time was spent living there as a kid.  I spent one year there post-college but I was mostly just working 10 hour days, saving up money for my first cross-country Winnebago trip, so I didn't really live in the city.  I never inserted myself into the culture or made new friends.  I know quite a few people from high school still live in Anchorage, but I feel so distant from that part of my life, I'm not sure if it'd be super bizarre to re-befriend old acquaintances.  We shall see how this transition goes.  It feels super awkward, stressful, and bumpy right now, but I'm hoping that once we're settled things start to fall into place.  New beginnings!

Top + Cardigan + Leggings : c/o Modcloth | Shoes : c/o Seychelles
photos by my mom <3

Living Room Inspiration

Our new kitchen is a pretty big project that will be a little more intensive, so in the meantime I'm focusing on breathing new life into our living room.  It's already changed a ton since the image below was taken (what it looked like when we moved in), mostly just because our furniture and artwork is in there now, but I really want to give it a fresh coat of white paint (especially on the dark, heavy fireplace), some pops of color and pattern, and lots of plants!

We've got a door with a window similar to the one second to last in this post, and I've already got yellow paint to brighten it up.  I think the other walls will end up with white, but I might do a fun statement wall on one of the smaller walls.  Since we don't live here permanently I can't do super crazy stuff, so I may end up using removable wallpaper from Walls Need Love like I did in our last house, which was a really great way to update without the pressure of committing to a crazy paint job (or committing to a crazy paint job that takes months to finish.  Walls Need Love actually made that pattern into a wallpaper so you don't have to become a crazy person like me).

Images sources (except before image below): 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10

Mostly I just want the space to feel inspiring, bright, and happy.  I want lots more plants (I need a snake plant and super tall cactus, like, yesterday), and I have a couple of vintage chairs that my parents got at a garage sale that I really would love to reupholster to bring them into the vibes of the space I have envisioned.  Luckily their upholstery is super simple (basically just 4 rectangular pads), so I think I can DIY that!  

A super big project that will probably be down the line is putting built-in cabinets/shelving on either side of the fireplace.  As you can see, that whole side of the room has a sort of weird step up that makes it virtually non-functional for furniture, so building in some shelving (much like Elsie's white shelving) would make that space much more useful and I would even love to put some upholstered pads in front of the shelving next to the fireplace for reading nook seating!  Like I said, that's a huge project that probably won't happen in the next few months, but who knows, maybe I'll get a huge burst of nesting energy and go for it before the baby comes!  Now to convince my dad to help me build this cabinetry...

Maternity Style // Week 12

We're in the last few weeks of summer up here in Anchorage, but these photos were taken back at the beginning of summer in Washington!  I will miss this spot for photos, and driving this car around town.  Well, there are lots of things, and people, I will miss about Tacoma and Seattle, but I'll be back at least once before the babe arrives.  It's nice that it's only a short flight away (well, 3.5 hours might not seem short, but from Anchorage it's about the shortest flight you can take and be in the Lower 48).

I'm definitely feeling more "curvalicious," if you will, these days.  After the couple of months during my first trimester where I wanted to just sleep all day every day, I tried to stay active, but with the big move, I've fallen off of pretty much every single wagon there is.  Now that we're settled I'm focusing on getting back into a routine, bringing some fitness activities back into my life, and eating healthy and whole foods.

Top + Skirt : c/o Lulu's | Shoes : Betsey Johnson c/o Modcloth | Bag : c/o Fossil
Shades : UrbanXChange