thoughts on ferguson as a white woman

hese past couple weeks have felt especially heavy.  With Ferguson, Gaza,  Robin Williams' passing, and the continuing conversation on rape culture that feels like it hits closer to home every day, the world has felt dark.  And as much as I love this online sanctuary as a place to escape all that, to hide from the horrifying comment sections on Facebook posts and news articles among pretty photos, in a way it feels disingenuous to keep posting cute outfits and recipes and DIYs while the world feels like it's crumbling right outside the walls of this safe, happy place.  I'm heartbroken by what is happening to my fellow humans in what feels like my backyard, right here in the United States where we're led to believe we're protected and safe.  As a white person, it often feels like I don't have a place in the conversation on race, and even if I did, what would I say? And if I did say something, what would it even mean?  I have privilege.  The other day one of my Facebook friends wrote this, and perfectly encapsulated so many thoughts I'd been having:

Tired of people commenting on posts about Ferguson, racism, etc and trying to say white privilege isn't a fair thing to say, I didn't ask for this skin color, I'm not rich, etc. White privilege isn't about that - we as white people do not have to worry about the things that black or brown people do. It's messed up and no you didn't ask for it but it's still a privilege. If we women say we are sick of living in a misogynistic world, no one gets to tell us we can't feel that way. Native Americans want the Redskins name changed because it is offensive to them - we need to change the fucking name and stop telling them they don't get to be offended. If black people are telling us they are scared of police and to let their kids out of their sight, we need to LISTEN. Stop telling them why they're wrong, or that everyone is making this about race, etc. LISTEN. Open your eyes. This is unfair and if you're saying anything less than "what can I do to help change it?" then you're consenting. Silence is worse.

I just can't believe in 2014 if people say to us, "I'm scared. I'm hurting. That offends me deeply." that you are going to argue that. We are all human beings. Come ON.

It made a connection that's been mulling around in my mind for a while.  There are so many similarities between how people respond to claims of misogyny and of racism.  When a woman is sexually abused, harassed, or raped, our culture asks, "Was she wearing revealing clothing?  Where was she walking?  Was she drunk?   Well, she was asking for it."  When a person of color is harassed, attacked (or worse, killed), or imprisoned, our culture asks, "Did he look suspicious?  Where was he walking?  Was he on drugs?  Well, he was asking for it."   And I think to myself that maybe she was drunk, in a mini skirt, walking in a dark alley, but she didn't deserve to be assaulted.  And maybe he was wearing a hoodie in the middle of the street, selling drugs, but he didn't deserve to die.


I know a lot of people are asking to "wait for the facts" in this case, but this is so much more than just one case of what may or may not have been an officer acting defensively.  It's not an isolated incident, just the straw that broke the camel's back in the struggle that so many people live with on a daily basis.

As a white person who has lived primarily among other white people her entire life, it's hard to know intimately the struggles of someone who experiences a radically different reality in the same community.  In the past six months I've tried explaining to some men what it's like to live as a woman.  I've noticed that it's almost painfully difficult for them to comprehend that, as women, we walk down the same streets, in the same cities, experiencing them in a completely different way.  And that's hard to understand.  You think you're experiencing the same thing, because technically you are living in the same space, but simply because of your gender, the reality is drastically different.

Another Facebook friend of mine recently shared a story of some frightening experiences with street harassment and posted:

Dear Men, it needs to stop. I have been minding my own business and been followed/cornered by men twice in the last two days and I'm pissed. It is unacceptable to stop a woman on a bike with a car and tell her, in more words, you want sex with her. It is unacceptable to stop, reverse, and drive down a different road to follow a woman on foot in your car. THIS BEHAVIOR IS SCARY. I am so sick of feeling like a prey animal. I'm tired of having to duck back into my home, lock the door, turn out the lights, and hide until some man has decided to stop stalking something he feels entitled to because he wants it.

In the comments, a guy both of us have known for years replied saying,

I agree, I'm tired of either sex being assholes. Believe me, it happens the other direction too and its very uncomfortable, especially when you are married!

This is a man who weighs probably near 200 lbs and is over 6 ft tall.  He works out daily, is a personal trainer, and is a very muscular.  I couldn't help but almost scream at my computer screen, "YOU ARE NOT IN FEAR FOR YOUR LIFE when girls ogle you at the gym.  Oh, it's 'very uncomfortable'? Really? really? You know what's 'very uncomfortable'?  Walking down the street, constantly making sure I'm not being followed because I'm afraid of being raped or attacked. Not because I'm married and it's awkward, but because I literally fear for my bodily safety."

It's hard for men, especially men who are good, not-all-of-us-are-like-that men, to understand what it's like to walk through the world possessing a vagina.  And why it's so painful when they tell us that sexism or misogyny doesn't exist.  Because we feel the weight of this unequal world and we've paid for it with our lives.  I want men to understand because I want them to advocate for women and stand up for us when they see sexism or harassment.  Because as men, they are in a position of power, and they can help change the world that is off balance.  And I want to be that advocate for people of color.  I can't tell them that racism doesn't exist because I walk through the world as a white person who doesn't have to experience it.  Of course I don't see racism, why would I?  It's not happening to me.  But as a woman I know that living in the same place doesn't mean experiencing the same reality.  Where I see a dangerous street with potential for a harassment or rape situation, men see a quiet sidewalk.  Where I see a cop pulling me over for a broken taillight, people of color may see a potentially vastly different scenario.


When I see my black Facebook friends who are mothers share their despair over teaching their sons to never walk in a store with their hands in their pockets for fear of being accused of stealing, or to avoid wearing hoodies, or to never argue with a police officer for fear of the situation escalating to the point of something fatal, I hear the same despair of mothers with daughters sharing the heartbreak of having to teach their girls how to avoid getting raped, how to diffuse situations with harassers, how to give fake numbers instead of just turning a man down for fear of it ending in violence.  And I know that I have to stand with my fellow humans who experience racism, because we're fighting the same battle.  We're fighting for equality, and maybe even more-so, to be heard and believed.  For the opportunity to walk through the world without fear.  For our stories to be legitimized and not discounted.  For our lives to matter.

So for now, I'm taking the time to listen.  I'm putting in the effort to hear the voices that desperately want to be heard and believed.  I know that I will never know what to do to help our world heal and balance without knowing the stories of real humans.  Instead of reading the he-said, she-said, wait-for-the-facts, arrest-the-officer, he's wrong, he's right articles flying around the internet and clogging my Facebook feed, I've been trying my best to listen to the stories of people sharing their truth.  I've been trying to step across the lines of color and stand beside a person of color to see the world from where they stand.  I've been listening to friends sharing their stories, reading articles from people of color describing their real experiences, and watching documentaries that expose how imbalanced and unjust our world truly is, especially here in the US.

When talking about issues like race or gender I often hear people say, "I can't believe XYZ is still happening in 2014!" and it reminds me of C.S. Lewis' term Chronological Snobbery, what he calls "the uncritical acceptance of the intellectual climate common to our own age and the assumption that whatever has gone out of date is on that account discredited."  We think that because we've got iPhones and the internet and can fly to the moon and cure diseases that we're the pinnacle of humanity.  We think that our government is the best one that ever existed, that we're the smartest people that have ever walked the earth.  And maybe we're some of those things, but we can't expect justice to ride on the shirt tails of our technological advances.  It's a constant battle, and one that we can't stop fighting just because we've made leaps in so many other areas.  Human lives are always the most important thing worth fighting for.

I believe that everyone should read M. Scott Peck's book The Road Less Traveled at least once, and in that book Peck talks about our worldview as being the map with which we travel through our world

...the biggest challenge of map-making is not that we have to start from scratch, but that if our maps are to be accurate we have to continually revise them. The world itself is constantly changing. Glaciers come, glaciers go. Cultures come, cultures go. There is too little technology, there is too much technology. Even more dramatically, the vantage point from which we view the world is constantly and quite rapidly changing. When we are children we are dependent, powerless. As adults we may be powerful. Yet in illness or an infirm old age we may become powerless and dependent again. When we have children to care for, the world looks different from when we have none; when we are raising infants, the world seems different from when we are raising adolescents. When we are poor, the world looks different from when we are rich. We are daily bombarded with new information as to the nature of reality. If we are to incorporate this information, we must continually revise our maps, and sometimes when enough new information has accumulated, we must make very major revisions. The process of making revisions, particularly major revisions, is painful, sometimes excruciatingly painful. And herein lies the major source of many of the ills of mankind. 

What happens when one has striven long and hard to develop a working view of the world, a seemingly useful, workable map, and then is confronted with new information suggesting that the view is wrong and the map needs to be largely redrawn? The painful effort seems frightening, almost overwhelming. What we do more often than not, and usually unconsciously, is to ignore the new information. Often this act of ignoring is much more than passive. We may denounce the new information as false, dangerous, heretical, the work of the devil. We may actually crusade against it, and even attempt to manipulate the world so as to make it conform to our view of reality. Rather than try to change the map, an individual may try to destroy the new reality. Sadly, such a person may expend much more energy ultimately in defending an outmoded view of the world than would have been required to revise and correct it in the first place.

I find that whenever I truly listen to the real life stories of other people, I'm required to revise my map.  Usually the changes are minor, here and there, but sometimes they are larger and take time to truly rewrite.  It takes effort and sometimes it's messy and painful.

I don't really care what you think about what's happening in Ferguson.  But if you do one thing, I ask that you listen.  Listen, not to find a pause when you can respond, refute, or agree.  Just listen.  Let the stories sink in and recognize that these stories are someone else's truth.  Someone else's life.  Someone else's sidewalk that maybe you walk down without a care in the world, but they walk down fearing for their safety or their children's safety.  Do your best to listen without judgement or preconceived beliefs.  Absorb their stories and allow them to challenge your worldview, and if necessary, change it.

Here are a few stories I've listened to recently, and if you have more stories to add, please list or link to them in the comments.  The more stories we listen to, the more complete and accurate our maps become, and the better able we are to advocate for people who need justice.

Dark Girls
The House I Live In
Reel Injun
The Loving Story
Shenandoah
The Central Park Five
The Black Power Mixtape 1967-1975
On Recognizing my White Privilege as a Parent in the Face of Ferguson
On Race, the Benefit of the Doubt, and Complicity
Pay Attention to #Ferguson: Some Resources
In Which I Have a Few Things to Tell You About #Ferguson
12 Things White People Can Do
Reflections on #Ferguson

Photos by Scott Olson/Getty :: Charlie Riedel/AP

dusty's big adventure // avoderm giveaway

an's parents are in town this week and invited us out to go for a hike this past Sunday.  They recently got a new dog, a Belgian Malinois named Harley, whom they brought on the hike and a friend of theirs was coming with us who was bringing her Pitt Bull, so we were excited for Dusty to have fun with other dogs.  When we first got Dusty we weren't sure about how good of a hiking dog she'd be.  I don't think people usually go for Corgis when they think of outdoorsy dogs, but we really loved Corgis and hoped she'd enjoy hiking and be able to keep up.  Turns out, she's a total adventure dog.  She is dauntless!  I'm constantly impressed by how hardcore she is, such a hardy little gal!  She really is a part of our family now and we couldn't imagine life without her.  I had dogs growing up, but this little girl has a part of my heart that those dogs never did.  I couldn't have imagined a better furry pal.
One thing we hadn't had the opportunity to do with her yet was take her swimming.  The Pitt Bull loved swimming, which was one reason the hike we went on was chosen-- it had a lake at the end! Dusty had played in the surf on the beach before, but never gone all the way in and swam.  It was a pretty shallow lake, so she just waded around for a bit, and then we coaxed her out into the deeper water with sticks and toys and there she went!  A swimmer!  It was a pretty hot day so all of the dogs were ready to lap up the water and dive in to cool off.  Thankfully there was a nice breeze up at the lake, so we all cooled off while the dogs splashed around.

 

For any of you pet owners out there, I've partnered up with AvoDerm to share a fun giveaway with you!  If you're like me, you like taking way too many photos of your pet.  Well, now you can put those photos to good use!  AvoDerm is doing a "Glow and Tell" photo contest and you can enter a photo of your healthy, glowing fur baby to win a photo shoot with award winning pet photographer Mark Rogers!  This contest has been going all summer with three different entry sections and it's now in entry period #3, where you can share a photo of your pet expressing his or her love for a chance to win.  Head over to Facebook to learn more and to enter your photo.  Entries will be accepted until August 29th and then the voting will begin September 4th and last through the 10th.  Share how you express love to your furry loved one (and vice versa) and how they're a part of your family on social media using #AvoDermGlow.

You can also get a $5 off coupon to try out AvoDerm food for your pet, just click here to snag the coupon*!

What is AvoDerm all about? The condition of your pets' skin and coat is a visible indicator of their overall health. AvoDerm premium pet food is packed with high-quality protein and avocado, a rich source of the vitamins, fatty acids and antioxidants your pets need to look and feel their best. AvoDerm pet food formulas are loaded with high quality meat proteins, wholesome grains, antioxidant nutrients plus vitamins and minerals for inside health and California avocados for healthy skin and coat on the outside.

Miss Dusty snacked on some AvoDerm biscuits on our hike while we snacked on the bounty of huckleberries that lined the trail.  She was pretty tired by the time we got back to the car and napped the whole way home.  For a dog with tiny little legs, she sure can trek!  She kept up with all the other dogs whose legs were at least four times as long as hers.  They all got along wonderfully and it was so cool to see such different dogs all playing nicely together and having fun.

Summer is definitely winding down, I feel the chill in the air during the evenings now, but I'm hoping we get to take Dusty on at least a couple more outdoor adventures before the cold and rain sets in for the winter.  Do you have a pet that is as adventurous as you are?  I think it's so special to get to share adventures with an animal.  I remember Little Bit was also an adventurous little dog.  She used to jump on waverunners and snowmachines and insist on riding with her front paws on the steering wheel and her little nose in the wind.  She'd even get zipped into my Dad's winter coat with her head poking out the top, possibly one of the cutest things ever.  I wish I could find a picture of her all bundled in with my Dad!  What's your favorite adventuresome pet memory?

*Coupon expires 1 month after printing. This post is in partnership with Avoderm. Thanks for supporting those companies which help keep Delightfully Tacky alive and kicking! *

peach bruschetta

illions of peaches, peaches for me!  I've been making quite a few yummy peach recipes lately and my taste buds are rather pleased.  I'm a huge fan of bruschetta, and after making it my normal way many times, I've been trying to change it up and try some different variations.  I love bruschetta as an appetizer because it's oh so delicious and also super easy and quick to make.  And, honestly, sometimes I just end up eating bruschetta as my dinner.  It's that good.  When I have it out as an appetizer I have to remind myself not to just eat the whole thing myself.   I think I prefer small plates to large ones.  I love grazing an appetizer table so much more than eating a big meal.  I like getting to snack on a bunch of different things.  We used to get together with a group of friends once a week and everyone would bring a different appetizer and we'd all hover around the table snacking on what everyone else brought.  Food + Friends = Awesome.  If I were in charge, all get togethers of any kind would involve food.  Okay, I think maybe that's my stomach talking... time to go make dinner...


Peach Bruschetta Ingredients: 4 ripe plum tomatoes, diced
1 cup peaches, diced
1/2 cup red onion, finely diced
16 large fresh basil leaves, finely chopped
4 tsp balsamic vinegar
1/4 cup + 1/3 cup extra-virgin olive oil
4 tsp garlic, crushed
Salt and pepper to taste
1 large loaf of italian or french bread


1. Pre heat the broiler.  In a large bowl, toss together the tomatoes, peaches, red onion, basil and vinegar with 1/4 cup of the olive oil and salt and pepper. Let mixture sit at room temperature while you make garlic toasts.

2. In another bowl, mix the remaining 1/3 cup olive oil with the garlic. Cut the bread into 8 slices, about 1/2-inch thick and brush with the garlic oil.

3.Toast or grill the bread slices until golden brown on both sides. Cut each slice in half and place the halves on a serving platter. Top each piece with a generous spoonful of the peach mixture. Sprinkle with sea salt and serve!

berry picking

It's berry season!  Last week we went and picked berries at Charlotte's Blueberry Patch and then on Sunday we went hiking with Dan's parents and there were huckleberry bushes lining the entire hike!  We filled two gatorade bottles, a water bottle and started filling another water bottle!  I really want to go out and pick some apples and blackberries before the season is over, and I'm definitely going back for another batch of blueberries at Charlotte's Patch.  It's so awesome to be able to reap the benefits of nature's bounty!  I still have frozen pumpkin puree in our freezer from last fall's pumpkin harvest.  I guess I'll be extra prepared for this fall, eh?  I've actually never had huckleberries before, so I'm not sure of what to do with them (besides the obvious: make a pie).  I'd love to make a cocktail with them, but I definitely have enough to make something else.  Do you guys have any favorite huckleberry treats?

 

dress (similar)/courtesy of lulu's :: necklace + bra/free people :: shoes/thrifted headband (necklace)/gift :: photos by Dan With Dan's new job, we have to be more intentional about hanging out.  We used to be able to just chill out in the mornings and spend our time together before he went to work, so now with his more "typical" job schedule he's out the door super early and goes to bed pretty early, so our time to hang out is more limited.  It definitely makes us think about spending time together differently.  This trip to go pick blueberries was a nice little quasi-date.  Getting out of the house and spending time together while not having to spend any money is like the holy grail of dates.  I love berry picking because it's such a relaxing activity that lets you have great conversation while simultaneously being productive and getting some amazing, tasty berries!  Do you guys have any u-pick berry farms or hidden berry gems in your neck of the woods?  Blackberries grow like crazy in this part of Washington it seems, and I was so excited when I discovered the free blueberry park run by Tacoma's Metro Parks.  I know there are also lots of paid u-pick farms, and even though you have to pay for what you pick it generally seems more affordable than buying from the grocery store.  The best part is that you get to eat as many berries as you want as you're picking.  At the end of our Huckleberry hike on Sunday we all had berry-stained fingers and bellies full of nature's goodness!
 

favorite bras for small chested ladies

his past year I've completely changed my perspective on bras.  Growing up I gathered that once I was a woman I'd be endowed with overflowing breasts, and bras would be required to hoist them upwards to achieve a natural, pleasant décolletage.  Fast forward from prepubescence to late-20's and yo, look, it's never going to happen.  These small tits?  They're here to stay, and I've discovered that I rather like that.  As a teen I looked around at my peers' growing chests, and then down at my own modest chest, and hoped that one day I'd graduate to larger cup sizes, meanwhile compensating with underwire padded bras.  Unfortunately most bras were uncomfortable and due to my small shoulders, most bra straps would fall down about 100 times a day, driving me insane.  But I plodded on, strapping them on everyday, trying my best to get as close to an "ample" chest as possible (boys like boobs, right? I've heard boys like boobs), even though my boobs couldn't make cleavage if I tried smashing them together forcefully (they barely even touch with this method applied, so I'm not sure why a bra would have better results).   After high school I kind of lost interest in hoping for bigger boobs because it was clear it wasn't going to happen, but by then I had bought the lie that the only bra out there for me was an underwire padded contraption whose straps fell off multiple times per hour.  Whenever I bought a new bra, it was typically of that ilk.

In the last year I've stopped wearing most of the bras I have bought over the years.  Sometimes I don't wear a bra at all, and I've discovered that it's awesome.  Like, one of the most awesome things ever.  "Aren't you worried about your boobs getting saggy?"  NOPE.  In order for gravity to pull them southward there kind of has to be something there to pull.  Sorry, gravity, but you don't have much to grab onto.  Also, if they do end up sagging a bit after years of living life and possibly nourishing children, so what?  Once I realized that wearing a bra was really not doing much for me other than frustrating me and making me uncomfortable, I started looking around for bras that made sense for me and my body.  For someone who doesn't have much to hold up, but also wants the comfort of having them contained (or at least keep from nipping out too much) and the peace of mind that I'm not going to flash someone if I have a loose top on.  I wear quite a few sports bras, but sometimes they're a little to aggressive in the containment department and aren't comfortable for a full day's worth of wear.  Plus, I do like how a cute bra can make me feel sexier, so plain old sports bras aren't always going to do the trick for that.
1   |   2   |   3   |   4   |   5
Something that's great about wearing a more relaxed style of bra is that your bra size doesn't matter as much.  My cup size grew a bit when I was on birth control, so I had to go get new bras, and then after a year they went back to their original size.  With these bras I could go up a cup size (or probably two, though that's not gonna happen) and they'd still fit nicely.

Wearing bras like this make me feel like I'm loving my body in a whole new way, rather than trying to force it to be something it's not.  I never have to pull a strap back up onto my shoulder ever again.  I feel so much more comfortable wearing these bras than the underwire, padded contraptions I'd worn for 15 years.  I literally forget that I have a bra on all day and sometimes have to peek in to check if I actually put on one that morning.

Since the straps on most of these bras are so interesting and cool, they're awesome to wear with backless dresses where I'd otherwise be forced to wear a stick-on bra (or have a normal, ugly bra strap cutting across the back).  It's nice to be able to throw on a bra with visually appealing straps instead of trying to make a backless bra work.  So much more comfortable.

My mom bought me my first Coobie bra to try about a year ago after chatting about my shifting perspective in bras.  We have very similar body types and some years ago, after an injury from a car accident caused underwire bras to be too uncomfortable to wear, she began wearing this kind of bra.  After buying it for me she joked that she should apologize to Dan for giving me such an "un-sexy" bra, but the best part was that the first time he saw me wear it he asked if it was new and said it was really cute.  I like feeling sexy in my own way, and while I'm sure lacey bits are nice for some, I prefer a more casual, comfortable brand of sexy.  I'll take boyshorts and sports bras over thongs and pushup bras every day.



(undies in the top photo: c/o modcloth, bra in top photo: #2,  bra in third photo: #5, bra in bottom photo: #4)