responding to vulnerability

I hopped over to Momastery the other day after seeing a link from one of the lovely people I follow on Twitter.  It sounded interesting and I headed over to find the first post in the Sacred Scared series.  The series focuses on sharing vulnerable stories from various bloggers, and while I enjoyed the post, what really struck me was the note included before you got to those vulnerable stories:

"We hear a lot lately about the importance of being vulnerable in front of others, but we haven’t been taught how to respond to someone else’s vulnerability, so I’ll be offering suggestions about how to receive vulnerability during this series. Here’s the first one: When someone lets you into her Sacred Scared – she is showing you her messy insides NOT because she wants you to fix it, but because she trusts you enough to let you know the real, true her.

Imagine that you have a new friend that you just love, and she’s coming to your house, and you finally liberate yourself enough to skip the panic-clean before she arrives. You decide that you trust her enough to walk in and see your messy house and you just KNOW that she will GET IT. She will LOVE that you just Let It Be for her. But she walks in and instead of flopping down on the laundry covered couch, she starts cleaning up the mess. Your mess is making her too uncomfortable. She starts to FIX IT instead of appreciating your mess as a trust offering. How do you feel about that?

Let’s not try to fix each other’s Sacred Scared, if we can avoid it. The people in this series are letting you in to see their Real, Beautiful Mess. Let’s not try to fix them, because they don’t need to be fixed. Neither do you. Let’s just try to find some comfort and love and maybe even Me Too in the offerings."

I realized that, as a blogger who tries to focus on offering honesty and vulnerability, I've quietly dealt with readers trying to fix me and my "problems."  It's obviously always meant out of kindness and wanting to help, but... that's not why I share my life on my blog.  I don't share here to get counseling.  I don't share here to crowdsource solutions to my problems.  I share here because I know that our mutual experience as human beings is easier to handle knowing that we aren't alone in what we're going through.


But I understand the impulse to want to fix someone, or to offer suggestions.  I'm not a naturally comforting or sensitive person, and I think this mostly is because I understand fixing things, not comforting people.  Give me something I can do to help, but don't ask me to "be there for you" because I have no clue what that means.  I like physical, tangible solutions.  So, it's hard.  I get it.  But more often than not, listening and offering support is going to do more than offering a solution or a fix.  Unless someone is explicitly asking for a solution, listening, nodding along, offering love and comfort are usually more desired than, "have you tried xyz?  Maybe you should do 123 instead?"  There's a place and time for solutions, but someone's vulnerability isn't that place.  Vulnerability is already a painful place, opening up wounds, sensitive areas, places that aren't used to being exposed.  Poking and prodding those places never feels good.

I often hear the excuse from some readers that because bloggers have chosen to put their lives online in public, they are obligated to take the criticism, suggestions, and even rude or cruel comments.  I wish there was a way to better remind one another that every single blogger is a human being like the one sitting next to you on the couch, standing in line with you at Starbucks, walking by you on the street.  It takes a bit of effort to pull back the computer screen veil and see it, but every one of us is a human.  It even goes the other way, as bloggers pull back that same veil to see readers and commenters as whole and complete people with histories and very real experiences, not just a few soulless words typed after a screen name.  As our world moves further from in-person interaction and closer to text and online communication we need a constant reminder that we're speaking to humans, not robots.  Because the only way we grow is through vulnerability.  The more we cultivate a safe space for vulnerability, the more we are able to move forward and become fulfilled and joyful versions of ourselves.

the rule book

Despite the fact that it's been feeling and looking positively springy here in Tacoma this week, I haven't yet caught the floral/pastel bug that seems to hit once the flowers begin blooming. Feeling a little bit Johnny Cash with this outfit!  I wasn't sure if the length would work, I've always felt like calf-length dresses sort of make me look short and stumpy (even though I am, in fact, short), but I actually love this dress!  Maybe it's the sheer panels at the bottom, but I almost feel like it makes me look taller.  The more I try new styles the more I realize that I've bought into these concepts about what I "can" or "can't" wear based on my height, weight, body type, etc.  I steered clear of maxi dresses for years because I always thought they'd make me look super short, but it turns out they're one of my favorite styles to wear.

My mom wasn't into fashion when I was a kid and so neither was I.  I had no clue what the latest trends were and my "style" was the last thing on my mind, so I never learned any fashion rules.  Once I became interested in my own personal style in my early 20's I started hearing about certain rules I was constantly breaking (don't wear navy and black together, don't mix prints, don't wear black shoes and a brown belt, no white after labor day).  In dance they say that you need to learn the techniques and rules before you can break them, but with personal style I don't think that's the case.  I remember reading Tavi's blog, Style Rookie back before she started Rookie Mag and I loved how adventurous and crazy she was with her style.  She broke every rule in the book, but it was wholly "her" and so it was beautiful.  I adore perusing Advanced Style because the older women he shoots couldn't care less about trends or rules.  They're to the point in their lives where they wear what they want and what makes them feel awesome, instead of feeling like they have to dress to please other people.  It's glorious and fabulous.  When it comes to style, I say throw out the rule book.  No one should get to tell you how you dress and what makes you feel good.

 


dress + shoes/courtesy of modcloth :: long necklace/handmade :: jacket(similar)/modcloth shades/courtesy of bonlook :: short necklace/courtesy of adorn by sarah lewis cuff/courtesy of lulu's :: belt/thrifted

call of the wild

Being in Alaska for the Iditarod was truly wonderful.  Going to the Iditarod ceremonial start in downtown Anchorage, and taking part in the Fur Rendezvous festivities was a huge part of my childhood.  It's such a time of celebration for Alaskans, in the midst of winter's frozen grip.  Some of my favorite memories as a kid involve Fur Rondy and the Iditarod.  Riding on carnival rides bundled up in all our winter snow gear, seeing all the giant snow and ice sculptures created for competitions, finding dog booties in the snow and squirreling them away like precious treasures.  Since college it's been hard to get back to town for the festivities.  Spring Break never lined up with the Iditarod or Rondy, but now that I'm out of school I realized that there wasn't really much keeping me from going back this year.  Since becoming a better photographer in the last few years I started to dream of shooting the Iditarod and capturing such a special part of my life photographically.  
I'll be sharing more Iditarod stories and photos later, but these photos were also some that I really wanted to take while I was home.  This is my Grandma's parka.  She was a nurse midwife who did her nursing school at Johns Hopkins in the 40's, and went on to do her midwife training with the Frontier Nursing Service in the Kentucky backcountry.  FNS provided midwife services to people who lived too far in the backcountry to be able to make it to a medical center for their prenatal care and delivery, and the nurses would ride on horseback for dozens of miles to reach their patients.  After she finished her training as a nurse midwife she was hired by the territory of Alaska to create training materials and personally train native women in remote villages how to safely deliver babies and avoid fatal problems during childbirth, as there was a very high infant and mother mortality rate in villages at the time.  She drove up to Alaska in her Jeep with just her dog, Rusty, and one of her good girlfriends the first year the AlCan highway was open to civilians.



This coat was the parka she would wear while going out to the villages to train women to become midwives.  She traveled by small plane, boat, and dog sled to get to the remote native villages and this coat kept her warm, but not too hot, and the wolverine fur ruff was specifically chosen because it doesn't frost up.  It was so special to be wearing this coat while surrounded by so many parts of my Alaskan upbringing and heritage.  I actually got choked up a few times because I was so overwhelmed with feelings of nostalgia, thankfulness, and the sense of being truly home in so many ways.  This coat is one of the most beautiful things I've ever worn.  Who I am and where I came from are sewn into the seams.  I've always felt like wearing vintage was special because of the history imbued into the fabric, but it's so much more the case when it's your own personal family history. 

remix archives // spike jacket

After drooling over this jacket for months and months, I saw it go on final sale and knew I had to snatch it up.  I like to get pieces that I know I'll be able to remix a lot and that are more versatile, so when I initially bought it I was thinking it'd be more of a special statement piece, but holy cow have I gotten a ton of wear out of it.  Besides my big winter coat (the one in my last outfit post), this jacket is my most worn outerwear piece.  Nearly every time I go out wearing it I get at least one comment about how awesome it is!  I tend to wear it with more edgy looks, but I've worn it with more bohemian and feminine outfits as well and like the juxtaposition that it brings in those situations.  I wish I could say that it's still for sale, but I haven't been able to find it anywhere else after it sold out at ModCloth.  The perfect cropped black moto jacket is definitely something that's on my wardrobe staple list, and I've been looking for the perfect one for years and years.  I think I've finally found my jacket soulmate in this one.

wild child

 No matter how long I live in a more urban environment I think I'll always feel most at home in nature.  Last week, when I was still in Tacoma, I was having a terrible time trying to fall asleep and found myself wandering out to the living room to stare out the window, something I used to frequently do during bouts of insomnia when I lived in Anchorage.  I'd walk to the back window in the kitchen and stare out across the back yard and lake, everything so quiet and calm in the wee hours of the morning.  Staring out across the lamplit street in Tacoma isn't quite as relaxing as those nights looking over a moonlit lake, nothing astir and only a few visible lights on distant homes.  One of my favorite things about Anchorage is how much nature is present even in the middle of the biggest city in Alaska.  I need only walk 20 feet from the back door and I'm amidst stands of evergreen and birch trees, blanketed in snow.



dress + tights/courtesy of modcloth :: boots(similar)/target :: coat/coldwater creek short necklace/courtesy of adorn by sarah lewis :: long necklace/handmade