i didn't marry my husband

I try to avoid calling Dan "my husband."   Not because he's not, or that I don't love being married to him, but because he's so much more than that one word has the ability to communicate. And truly, husband is only one small role that he plays in my life. He is so much more than "my husband" and to refer to him as just "my husband" doesn't do justice to who he is as a human. Dan isn't my husband. He's kindhearted, brilliant, hilarious, brave, adventurous. He's a friend, a son, a lover, a musician, a cook, a brewer, a business man, maybe someday: a father. Dan is not my husband. He is an incredible human being who was carefully crafted by an infinite God, and it does him no justice to call him simply "my husband."  I don't like the ownership that it places over him.  Truly he is my husband, not anyone else's husband, but he's not mine.  I don't own him.  He is a person independent of our relationship.  He has friends, family, interests outside of our marriage.  It is true that we belong to one another in a way that is deep, spiritual, and life altering, but this doesn't give me ownership over his personhood.

This isn't to say that I never call him my husband.  We are married and it's a clarifying adjective to explain our relationship.  But he is "Dan, my husband" not, "my husband, Dan.  Husband is an adjective, not a noun.  Dan is who he is, not "husband."  I don't love my husband.  I love Dan.  Perhaps this distinction feels unnecessary or that I'm getting caught up in the details of semantics too much.  But I feel that by constantly reminding myself that I'm married to a human being, not the role of husband, I am forced to approach our marriage honestly.  Husband has so much tied to it.  What a husband should do, what society's idea of husband is, what other husbands are like, what other husbands do.  By taking my focus away from all that by eliminating the word entirely, I'm forced to be married to only Dan, not any of those other ideas of husbands.


I should clarify that this usually doesn't bother me in regular "IRL" conversations, it seems like people typically refer to their significant others by their given name, not their title.  I have no problem using "husband" to describe Dan's relation to me in my daily conversations with people I meet.  I had initially written some of that first paragraph on Facebook and a friend responded, "Maybe 'Husband' is meant to mean all that."  And I think she's right.  I realized I'm more referring to seeing this word in online contexts (facebook, blogs, etc.) It doesn't really bother me when I hear it in person, but online I quite often see people constantly referring to "my husband" (or wife) but never even say what that person's name is. There's no sense that the writer acknowledges their husband/wife's existence outside of their relationship as a spouse (Though I suspect that in some cases this is to protect their spouse's privacy, or perhaps the newlywed excitement of getting used to the new title).

Personally, I'm not one for pet names and generally avoid gratuitous PDA, so I'm just not the kind of girl who enjoys using descriptors like "hubby" or "wifey" in the first place.  This isn't to say that people who do get enjoyment out of that or feel loved when those terms of endearment/titles are used are wrong or terrible people or anything.  When it comes to sharing life online, though, I want to be intentional about words.  I want to communicate first that Dan is an amazing person, completely separate of his relationship to me.  It's because he's so incredible that I don't want to relegate him to the cookie cutter mold of "husband."

It's a shame that sometimes words lose their deep meaning in lieu of knee jerk instant associations.  I think about words like "liberal" "conservative" "Christian" "religion" and more, which have lost much of their true depth to stereotypes and easy definitions.  Husband and wife often have that same problem, maybe not so much in our daily conversations, but definitely on blogs and social media.  It's easy to write people as two dimensional, even yourself.  But I love Daniel.  He's not on the blog a ton, but when he is I hope I can communicate to the best of my ability that he is so much more than my husband.

Photos by Arrow & Apple

remix archives // striped cardigan

This long cardigan has become a staple in my wardrobe.  In fact, as I'm typing this I'm wearing it.  Appropriate.  It's one of the only cardigans I have at this longer length and it makes me want more.  The length is so perfect and the draping is just right.  Winters in Tacoma mean I'm constantly wearing cardigans to layer up for warmth, so I love having a cardigan that is stylish and interesting. Plus, it's light enough to wear during spring and summer, which makes it seasonally versatile as well.  It's one of those pieces that makes me feel totally myself, and it's easy to throw on and punch up a regular ol' outfit into something with a bit more flair.

the doldrums

I'm sitting at our kitchen table, with a cup of french press warming my palm and a fuzzy pup at my feet this morning feeling very full of encouragement and excitement. Life is so strange in its ebbs and flows, waxing and waning. I'll be stuck in the doldrums, caught swirling in an eddy, and then some current will come in and propel me back into the flow. It's important to remember that there's not always anything you can do to avoid getting stuck. Sometimes life just slows its pace around you and there's nothing you can do to change that. The only thing you have control of is your own response, but sometimes even that can feel uncontrollable. As a controlling person, it's hard to let life just have it's ups and downs without feeling like I've failed in some way during the down times. It's easy to think that I'm just not working hard enough, or doing enough, or being enough, and that's why things are so slow and I feel uninspired. Slow happens. It's okay.

I'm excited to work on a few new projects and do more with local creatives. Working alone for so long can make it easy to get stuck in uninspired ruts, but being around other creative people with their juices flowing helps reignite my own hibernating creativity. I'm also thinking of painting my living room and just going bold and drastic rather than mellow. Working from home means that being in the same space day in and day out can get boring and repetitive. Even just rearranging a room can breathe new life into routine. Once things start to warm up I'm going to begin transforming our front yard into a food garden, too! I'm ready for spring to hit with all it's transformative energy!

 

dress/courtesy of modcloth :: shoes(similar)/courtesy of blowfish :: cardigan(similar)/thrifted long necklace/courtesy of adorn by sarah lewis :: short necklace/local craft fair head chain/converted necklace (gift) :: photos by Dan

starting to paddle

I've been thinking about blogging, and the grand ol' blogosphere, and my history in said blogosphere (I do this often... probably too often really), and I realized that right now I feel so regular-old-me in the best possible way.  For the first time in a really long time, I don't feel like I'm striving, or worrying, or pressured.  I just saw a twitter avatar of a cute girl with cotton candy pink hair and a pink background and I realized that I was just glad I was comfortable being myself, rather than feeling like I needed to be something specific for the blogosphere.  I thought she looked amazing, but I didn't want to look like her or be her.  Even though I've always tried my best to be myself, it can be hard not to want to be all the amazing things and people you encounter online.  It's hard to appreciate things without wanting them or wanting to be them.  There are so many inspiring people, so much interesting content, that it can be really easy to lose your own voice and self in midst of the whirlwind of influence online.  I've stuck my foot in a lot of those influences, and sometimes it can be a good thing, especially when you're trying to figure out where you belong in the grand scheme of things.  I've tried being more like all sorts of different bloggers.  Rebecca from A Clothes Horse,  Tieka from Selective Potential, Elsie from A Beautiful Mess, Camille from Camille Styles.  In some ways emulation can help hone your skills, I know my love of food photography was something directly influenced by food blogs, and I became a much better food photographer because I wanted to emulate those food photos which were much better than mine were.  It's a hard line to walk between being inspired and losing yourself, though.

 
Perhaps it's because I slowed down the blogging pace starting in January.  I feel like I stepped out of the rat race river with it's unrelenting current and have been happily enjoying walking along the shore, enjoying the beauty of the forest through which that river is barreling.  The other night I decided to do a brainstorm for blog post ideas and after 30 minutes and even perusing blog post suggestions on google, I only had about 5 or 6 ideas.  But this post wasn't one of those ideas and neither was my last couple posts, so I suppose the inspiration is there hiding in the crevasses of my brain, just waiting to be triggered.  Writing authentically isn't always something that can be boiled down to a blog post idea list.

I'm glad that I don't feel like I have to post the content everyone else is churning out.  I'm glad that I feel comfortable with who I am and where I am and what I'm doing, even if I'm still restless sometimes.  I'm glad I can appreciate other blogs without feeling like I constantly have to evaluate whether I should be doing something they're doing.  I'm glad I wear leggings and a flannel with no bra most days.  I'm glad Delightfully Tacky is still just a one-woman operation, with no big team of contributors and photographers and stylists (even though some days I wish it was).  I'm glad I have no desire to go to NYFW runway shows anymore.  Not because any of those things are bad, it's just that they aren't me.  I am hair that hasn't been washed in 5 days.  I'm last night's smudged eyeliner.  I'm paint crusted fingers.  I'm three cups of black coffee.  I'm calloused rock climber hands.  I'm downward dog.  I'm piles of clothes on the floor.  I'm corgi snuggles.  I'm late night walks to bars with Dan.  I'm well whisky and ginger beer.  I'm too many un-answered emails.  I'm half-finished DIY projects.  I'm hat hair.  I'm too many ideas for my brain to contain.

Sometimes I'm afraid I get repetitive her on the blog, talking about the same issues, or rehashing the same thoughts over and over.  But that's how life goes.  I get stuck on one thing or another.  Thoughts form cyclical paths, crossing over one another now and then.  More than anything I think I'm just glad to feel like maybe, just maybe, I feel like life has a trajectory right now and I'd like to hold onto that feeling for as long as possible.  So much of life has felt adrift in a shoreless ocean with no wind to direct sails, and no sign as to which direction to paddle towards.  But I think.... maybe I see a lighthouse, and it feels like I might finally feel comfortable starting to sink my oars into the waves.

homemade toothpaste

I'm barreling headlong into transitioning as many parts of our lives into being as natural as possible, and it's been such an eye opening trip seeing how many things are easy to make and way cheaper than buying them at the store.  We were just about to run out of toothpaste the other day and I thought to myself... I bet that's something that's easy to make!  A few google searches later and I started whipping it together!  
If you're not used to the taste of baking soda, this homemade toothpaste might be a bit jarring.  I'd been using Arm & Hammer's baking soda toothpaste for years, so it was probably an easier transition for me, but I'm still getting used to it.  
There are different schools of thought when it comes to the need for fluoride, if baking soda is too abrasive for teeth, etc. but personally, I just like knowing exactly what I'm putting in my body.  Homemaking my own toothpaste means I know exactly what I'm using!  


6 tbsp coconut oil 4 tbsp baking soda 30 drops essential oil (I used 20 drops of YL Thieves, 10 drops of YL Peppermint) 1 tsp of Stevia (or more if you prefer sweeter)
I started with a 1:1 ratio of baking soda to coconut oil but it tasted way too baking soda-y so I altered the proportions.  You might want to start with even less baking soda at first (maybe 3 tbsp) and taste as you go.  I just threw everything together and didn't taste until I finished and I was like, ack!  You could even add more essential oil if you like.  I went with a combo of YL Thieves and Peppermint, but I know a lot of people prefer just straight peppermint.  Peppermint is a pretty strong oil so you might need fewer drops if you go with just peppermint.

Just mix up everything in a bowl and then transfer it to a mason jar.  I use a little wooden stick to transfer the paste to the brush so I'm not dipping my brush in every time.  I also like to use warm to hot water to rinse my brush out at the end of brushing to get rid of any remaining coconut oil that gets stuck in the bristles, since coconut oil has a pretty low melting point it'll just melt away.


// With any health or body care routine, make sure to do your own research and consult with any healthcare professionals you feel will help you make a decision on how to best care for your body.  This is just my story, but make sure your story is informed and healthy for you! //